What Qualities Make A Person Likeable?

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As a clinical psychologist I often work with clients with low self-confidence. This low self-confidence can sometimes be attributed to negative biases in thinking which causes the person to underestimate the number of positive qualities they have, and overestimate the number of negative ones. You could refer to this bias in thinking as reflecting a problem with accuracy - the person is not accurately evaluating themselves.

At other times, clients also exhibit another type of error in thinking. Instead of inaccurately evaluating themselves, they examine the wrong qualities. When I say the "wrong qualities," I am referring to those qualities that only play a limited role in determining how likeable someone is to others. For example, if someone believes that they are unlikeable almost solely because of their physical appearance, then they are misinformed about the factors that determine likeability.

So, I thought it would be a good idea to write about the actual factors that do determine likeability. Specifically, I'm going to report the findings from a great study that was published a few years back in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships*. The authors sought to answer the following question:

When it comes to having a relationship with another person, what qualities do people want the other person to have?



This question is a bit complex because there are various types of relationships. So, the qualities you might want to have in a dating partner may differ from those of a close friend. Thus, the authors randomly assigned 700 participants to one of 5 groups:

(1) Which qualities do you prefer in someone with whom you might have casual sex (a fling)?
(2) Which qualities do you prefer in someone with whom you are dating?
(3) Which qualities do you prefer in someone with whom you are married?
(4)Which qualities do you prefer in someone who is a friend of the same sex?
(5) Which qualities do you prefer in someone who is a friend of the opposite sex?

They had participants (a large group of university students) rate a number of qualities on a scale from 1 to 9. For example, for the trait of physical attractiveness, participants had to rate the level of physical attractiveness they preferred in the other person (1 = not at all attractive; 9 = extremely attractive). They then asked participants to rate how important it was to find someone with that level of the characteristic. For example, if someone said that they preferred their boyfriend or girlfriend to be a 7 out of 9 in terms of physical attractiveness, they then had to determine how important it was to actually find someone who was a 7/ 9. In other words, how willing are you to date someone outside your preference? Again, they rated the importance on a scale from 1 (not important) to 9 (extremely important).


Presented below are the results, which are organized by relationship type. I ordered the characteristics from most to least preferred. In the interest of time, I also only present three types of relationships (Casual Sex; Dating; Same-sex Friend) and did not include all of the qualities. I selected 10 qualities, which should give enough information about what qualities people prefer in others:

Casual Sex Partner

1. Warmth and Kindness
Preferred Amount: 8.01
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 7.35

2. Sense of Humour
Preferred Amount: 7.73
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 6.89

3. Expressiveness and Openness
Preferred Amount: 7.58
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 6.85

4. Physical Attractiveness
Preferred Amount: 7.31
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 5.97

5. Similarity of Attitudes and Values
Preferred Amount: 7.22
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 6.77

6. Intelligence
Preferred Amount: 7.13
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 6.23

7. Ambition
Preferred Amount: 7.11
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 6.06

8. Similarity on Interests and Leisure Activities
Preferred Amount: 6.96
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 6.21

9. Money or Earning Potential
Preferred Amount: 6.37
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 5.04

10. Social Status
Preferred Amount: 6.25
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 5.12


Dating

1. Warmth and Kindness
Preferred Amount: 8.17
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 7.88

2. Expressiveness and Openness
Preferred Amount: 7.81
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 7.44

3. Sense of Humour
Preferred Amount: 7.77
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 7.42

4. Ambition
Preferred Amount: 7.36
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 6.74

5. Intelligence
Preferred Amount: 7.24
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 6.89

6. Similarity of Attitudes and Values
Preferred Amount: 7.15
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 6.80

7. Similarity on Interests and Leisure Activities
Preferred Amount: 7.11
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 6.51

8. Physical Attractiveness
Preferred Amount: 6.91
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 5.79

9. Money or Earning Potential
Preferred Amount: 6.49
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 5.39

10. Social Status
Preferred Amount: 6.13
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 5.26

Same-Sex Friends

1. Sense of Humour
Preferred Amount: 7.72
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 7.04

2. Expressiveness and Openness
Preferred Amount: 7.39
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 6.70

3. Warmth and Kindness
Preferred Amount: 7.35
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 6.85

4. Similarity on Interests and Leisure Activities
Preferred Amount: 7.20
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 6.56

5. Similarity of Attitudes and Values
Preferred Amount: 6.86
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 5.96

6. Ambition
Preferred Amount: 6.71
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 5.82

7. Intelligence
Preferred Amount: 6.43
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 5.78

8. Social Status
Preferred Amount: 5.67
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 4.06

9. Physical Attractiveness
Preferred Amount: 5.63
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 3.27

10. Money or Earning Potential
Preferred Amount: 5.43
Importance of Having Preferred Amount: 3.53


A common finding across these results is that qualities with depth, such as warmth, kindness, and openness are often ranked high, while shallow qualities like money, social status, and physical attractiveness tend to rank lower. Even for a relationship like casual sex, physical attractiveness ranked fourth on the list.

I think there are two important take home messages from this kind of data. First, it is important to focus on personality features more than superficial qualities when determining how likeable you are to other people. For instance, physical attractiveness seems to be a very low priority for a friendship, whereas sense of humour, being a warm person, and having things in common are highly regarded. Second, there is a fair amount of diversity in qualities that other people prefer. So, even if you are not the funniest person in the world, or if you find it very difficult to be expressive and open, there are many other opportunities for good qualities to compensate for weaknesses. In other words, there are many ways to be likeable to other people, and it is important to not assume there is a prototype that you must match.

*Sprecher & Regan. (2002). Liking some things (in some people) more than others: Partner preferences in romantic relationships and friendships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 19, 463-481.