An opinion piece in the Montreal Gazette today inspired this next post. The article discussed research on happiness. Specifically, it detailed how research generally shows that happiness is best achieved through the creation and maintenance of interpersonal relationships. Things like money and success can be predictors of happiness, but having healthy relationships is an even better predictor of happiness.
This kind of research can surprise a lot of people...primarily because people often mistake the method for the goal.
"The method for the goal?...what does this mean?"
As I discussed in an earlier blog, the need to be liked and avoid rejection is one of the most fundamental human needs. It is a goal we all strive for, either consciously or unconsciously. There are different methods we can use to accomplish this goal. Here are some of the more common methods in Western society:
(1) Maximize your level of physical attractiveness. People have an inherent preference and positive bias for attractive people, so looking good can help.
(2) Increase the amount of money you have. This can help in multiple ways. Money can help improve social status, which is an attractive quality.
(3) Attain success in your career to earn power and respect. Again, success and power are qualities that are well respected in Western society.
(4) Try to become popular. Popularity can work as a symbol or proxy for likeability. If people know that other people know you, this could mean you are likeable.
Obviously, there are other ways to get people to like you, and I am only focusing on the more superficial methods to being liked. But I'm doing this to help make a point. Nevertheless, I am being serious when I say that each of the aforementioned methods has the potential to improve one's interpersonal life.
Unfortunately, people often forget -- or in some cases are unaware -- why they are using these methods in the first place. Consequently, the methods are rendered useless because they are not used properly.
I've worked with a number of people who successfully used many of the above-mentioned methods. They were quite wealthy and successful, and well-known in their community. Or they were quite wealthy and very attractive and popular. Or they were very attractive and popular...anyway, you get the point.
But each one was unhappy. They were unhappy because of problems in their interpersonal lives. They either had an attachment(s) that was not going well ( ex: divorce), or they had no significant attachment (ex: a classic example is someone who has many acquaintances, but no serious relationships).
It was as if each of them were saying, "OK, now that I have (attractiveness; popularity; success; money) I should be happy."
This is like having a shed full of garden tools and saying "OK, now that I have all the tools to grow food, I should not feel hungry."
Collecting tools and trophies to attract and impress people is fine. But you have to constructively use them to get benefits. Use your money, popularity, success, and attractiveness to create and maintain healthy relationships.
It's quite sad when someone spends their whole life stocking the toolshed, only to end up starving.
Dr. Roger Covin
Montreal Psychologist
www.drcovin.ca
This kind of research can surprise a lot of people...primarily because people often mistake the method for the goal.
"The method for the goal?...what does this mean?"
As I discussed in an earlier blog, the need to be liked and avoid rejection is one of the most fundamental human needs. It is a goal we all strive for, either consciously or unconsciously. There are different methods we can use to accomplish this goal. Here are some of the more common methods in Western society:
(1) Maximize your level of physical attractiveness. People have an inherent preference and positive bias for attractive people, so looking good can help.
(2) Increase the amount of money you have. This can help in multiple ways. Money can help improve social status, which is an attractive quality.
(3) Attain success in your career to earn power and respect. Again, success and power are qualities that are well respected in Western society.
(4) Try to become popular. Popularity can work as a symbol or proxy for likeability. If people know that other people know you, this could mean you are likeable.
Obviously, there are other ways to get people to like you, and I am only focusing on the more superficial methods to being liked. But I'm doing this to help make a point. Nevertheless, I am being serious when I say that each of the aforementioned methods has the potential to improve one's interpersonal life.
Unfortunately, people often forget -- or in some cases are unaware -- why they are using these methods in the first place. Consequently, the methods are rendered useless because they are not used properly.
I've worked with a number of people who successfully used many of the above-mentioned methods. They were quite wealthy and successful, and well-known in their community. Or they were quite wealthy and very attractive and popular. Or they were very attractive and popular...anyway, you get the point.
But each one was unhappy. They were unhappy because of problems in their interpersonal lives. They either had an attachment(s) that was not going well ( ex: divorce), or they had no significant attachment (ex: a classic example is someone who has many acquaintances, but no serious relationships).
It was as if each of them were saying, "OK, now that I have (attractiveness; popularity; success; money) I should be happy."
This is like having a shed full of garden tools and saying "OK, now that I have all the tools to grow food, I should not feel hungry."
Collecting tools and trophies to attract and impress people is fine. But you have to constructively use them to get benefits. Use your money, popularity, success, and attractiveness to create and maintain healthy relationships.
It's quite sad when someone spends their whole life stocking the toolshed, only to end up starving.
Dr. Roger Covin
Montreal Psychologist
www.drcovin.ca
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